We’re not talking about incest here, but when married couples get to a stage where they are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. NOELLE DE JESUS explains.
YOU COULD BE married for seven years or 17 years. This is a marital malady that can strike just about anyone. You and your husband are just going through the motions of marriage. No hugging, no kissing, and no sex! It’s not that you don’t love each other, it’s just that you have ceased to become lovers. As the Righteous Brothers sang, “you’ve lost that lovin’ feeling”, that spark of excitement and romance that characterised the days when you fi rst met. The feeling seems to have disappeared, and there’s just no getting it back. Even worse, you’re not sure you want it back.
Marriage therapists, counsellors and coaches acknowledge that all marital unions will wane. While you can’t expect it to stay the way it was, neither should it disappear altogether.
So what causes it? Maybe the two of you have grown apart and have become like roommates. Maybe the stress of managing two careers and raising children together have taken its toll on your sex life. Or maybe, that comfort has translated into the two of you being too much of yourselves around each other.
For Stephanie and Rex Chai, it was a combination of all those factors. They had chosen to delay having kids so they could pursue their respective careers. Six years into their marriage, they had confl icting work schedules, barely shared a meal together, and stopped having sex. Stephanie soon hooked up with someone from work, and decided that things with Rex would never be the same again, and fi led for divorce.
HAPPY SIBLINGS
Stephanie and Rex’s marriage may have ended in divorce but there are other couples who are perfectly happy to go on as sibling spouses.
Says Leah Wong, 38, “I don’t really look for sex, but I love and respect Mark and I love our children. So what if there’s no sex?”
As a stay-at-home mum and freelance writer, Leah is happy to go on as they are. She admits she doesn’t know how her hubby feels.
As a doctor, Mark’s far too stressed by work to know his own feelings. Who’s to say they can’t go on like that, if they’re both happy and no one is getting hurt?
A healthy marriage involves respect, commitment, shared ideals, We’re not talking about incest here, but when married couples get to a stage where they are more like brother and sister than husband and wife. NOELLE DE JESUS explains. HAVE YOU BECOME SIBLING SPOUSES? attraction, intimacy and sex. If the last three are absent, the marriage will soon falter.
And like everything else in a marriage, sexual intimacy takes effort. More importantly, it shouldn’t feel like work. The good news is it’s not impossible to switch from sibling spouses to sexual spouses. Here’s how:
STRATEGY 1: DON’T TALK, TAKE ACTION
Life coach Marmee Morin, director of MC Consulting & Coaching, understands the importance of the sexual aspect of a marriage. “Men don’t usually like to talk about things, so, it’s often up to the woman to take matters into her own hands – not bytalking, but by taking action.
“It’s important to have small moments of connection every day. That’s what counts and that’s what will have a positive effect on your marriage in the long run.”
Marmee says to harness the power of touch whenever you can. For instance, connect by hugging – a full body hug – three or four times a day for at least fi ve seconds each time. When you’re in the same room, like at mealtimes, make eye contact. And hold hands when you’re watching television.
She suggests the highly effective “nightly embrace”. Hug each other at bedtime and let the warmth fl ow over you. It doesn’t have to lead to anything more and you certainly shouldn’t try to talk through it. Just be there and luxuriate in each other’s touch. Let your hearts do the communicating.
STRATEGY 2:
REMEMBER THAT MEN ARE VISUAL CREATURES
Sometimes, you can stir up a little sexual activity with nothing else but sheer novelty. Jenny and Mike Koh successfully resurrected their sex life with a hotel staycation and sizzling hot lingerie. Did it feel contrived? Jenny admits that at fi rst, it did, but once you get started, neither of you will care.
“After that, I just started doing the things I used to do when we fi rst met. I started dressing up, and straightening our room and bed to make it more inviting. I invested in new sheets and bath products. It didn’t take long to bring us back.”
STRATEGY 3:
APPRECIATE AND INITIATE
Pay him unexpected compliments. Express appreciation for the things he does. Give him a quick hug to thank him. Reach for his hand and squeeze it when you’re happy about something. And don’t be afraid to initiate sex.
The most important thing about going from sibling spouses to sexual ones is that you must want to do it. Think about it: Do you want your marriage to just slip away? Or do you want to do all you can to revive it and keep it vibrant. It’s really all up to you. SH
